How do you know when it is a good time to get a divorce?
I have been married almost 8 years and we have 3 kids but over the last 3 years my husbands health has declined rapidly, he started out with getting weak muscles and now 3 years later he can barely walk had high blood pressure diabetes and he has been asthmatic all of his life but it is worse now. he is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and our kids but I feel that if I leave he will not even bother to take care of himself, he claims he only takes his meds for the kids sake I feel like I am in a psycho ward sometimes, am I wrong to want out of this marrage that has turned into me being his caregiver instead of his wife? we have not had a no clothesuall relationship for over a year now as well.the children are young but my 6 yr old wants him to move out because she is tired of him screaming at her all of the time. please give advice on how I can leave this relationship safely without my husband doing something stupid like try to kill himself.I am lost but I want out
Best Answer - Chosen by Voters
My intitial response to your question was going to be, "You should file for divorce when you can no longer refer to your spouse as your best friend. Ideally, however, both partners take that factor into consideration before they get married: Are they truly best friends, capable of adapting and growing together?"
However, having read the details you provide, I have a different response.
What was your marriage like before your husband's health started to decline? Was it a happy one? Is the decline in your husband's health due to his abusing his body, or is he ill?
If you were happy before, and your husband is ill, have you considered that he is behaving irrationally because he doesn't know how to cope with his deteriorating health? He may need support and guidance, and by that I don't mean pampering or becoming a housemaid. I'm referring to emotional guidance.
While I don't think you should stay in a situation which makes you unhappy, I also think you should examine what about the situation is making you unhappy, and dig deeply. You have a lot invested here- 8 years and children. Are you really ready to give up?
Sometimes, people cannot communicate properly to other people. Actually, this is very common. Lack of communication is probably the highest source of problems between not only couples, but also friends.
Have you expressed your feelings to your husband? Have you expressed that you understand what he's experiencing? Do you know what he's experiencing? Does he know what you're experiencing?
It sounds to me that outside guidance would be beneficial for the both of you, but I really don't think Yahoo Answers will provide you with the correct type of guidance.
If you're looking here for the ultimate decision for leaving your husband, I think you've already given up and made up your mind. You're just looking for approval.
Don't give up. Again, you have a lot invested.
By the way, I am not a "marriage is forever" zealot, nor am I an ultra-conservative. (Neither of which is a bad thing) However, I do believe in thinking before acting, and being logical. Matters of the heart are extremely tricky because they often cloud good judgement.
Good luck.
try counciling first he is acting out at the ones he loves the most
The reason, I think, he gets all abusive like this is because he is mad. He is mad that he isn't able to do the things he needs to do for his family to support them. Not being able to live your life to the fullest and support your family has got to be the hardest thing to deal with, especially for men. They hate losing control of their lives and their families. They hate being dependant on someone else. He isn't being abusive because he wants to be, he is being that way cause he's angry at himself for being incapable and incapacitated and having to depend on others to take care of him. I really truly believe both you and him and your children need seperate and family counseling, and you and him need marriage counseling. You need a lot of counseling and help on this sitution. If he isn't willing to do that then YES, it is time to GET OUT! It will only escalate and keep making your lives miserable...you have to think of your children..... it is YOUR responsibility to PROTECT them NO MATTER WHAT! If he does end up committing suicide, then he only wanted an easy way out and, it's sad to say, but maybe that's the best thing for him and for you if he isn't willing to deal with his issues and learn to live with his disabilities. YOU have to think of your CHILDREN first!
your husband is sick and is emotionally unstable... he probably keeps yelling at you and the kids because he is insecure inside... marriage is not something that is convenience based... not something that you can enjoy only when he is the pink of health... your husband needs you now... if you leave him now who will take care of him... marriage is something that both partners go through together in good times and not so good times... no clothes is not everything in marriage... its important... but not the be all and end all of everything... dont you love your husband ? you married your husband for what he is inside ... didnt you ? your husband loves you and the kids... thats why he is behaving the way he is... try not to be harsh to him... sit down and talk things out and reassure him that you love him and explain to him how the children feel... he is ill and you need to understand this... put yourself in your shoes... and you'll understand... explain to your children that daddy is ill and that is why he is behaving the way he is... they mght not understand... but as mother it is important to tell them... good luck... think twice before taking any decision...
put yourself in his place and him in yours and then think over again........you will certainly get your answer.
lady.....i should not say but because of women like you i have stopped believing in the institution of marriage. i have resolved not to marry. i would rather like to die single than to have a woman waiting for my death.
When you ask this question GET A DIVORCE YOU SORRY PUSHOVER EXCUSE FOR A WOMAN! DUMP THAT LOSER!
Your responsibility should be for your children and what's best for them. IMO your current situation isn't, and since your husband is a grown man he can decide his own fate you can't decide it for him. So, although you may still care about him, but the well being of children 1st and I think you'll know what move you have to make.
It is hard I had close to the same problem after 8 years of verbal and mental abuse I finally got out!I am now happy to a point the children part has been an endless battle.It has been 6 yrs and we still battle over the kids but I am in a much happier relationship. So do what is best 4 u and the kids they do not need the stress. It got me to the suicidal point which is not the awnser follow your heart. And maybe try counsling!!!
Its awful the your husband is experiencing all that illness so young, but high blood pressure asthma and diabetes can be controlled with a doctors help and medication. His muscles are probably weak from laying around feeling sorry for himself. I say if he isn't (doesn't) seek doctors help for his conditions, and you should probably ask him to see a therapist, then he isn't doing everything that he needs to do to benefit his family then you should not feel obligated to stay. Verbal Abuse can be worse than physical at times and now that it is affecting you children, you gotta go.
If he is threatening to kill himself, that's the oldest trick in the book, as far a abusers go. You CAN NOT help him if he doesn't help himself.
Just so you know, I myself have diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, osteo arthritis, degenerating disks and just had back surgery in December. And I have been getting along in life just fine. Sure I have to take meds. but I am doing everything I can to improve my health so I maybe can eliminate some of them.( none of them are Narcotics)
Hang in there, the way he is treating you IS NOT OKAY and will end up affecting your health, stress is the leading cause for alot of illnesses.
God Bless You and Your Children, you can email me if you'd like bearsmom2005@yahoo.com
It is time to leave when you have tried everything to avoid a divorce,but to no avail.If he is abusive in any way,you should leave.Abusers rarely change.The children don't need to be subjected to it either,be it directly or indirectly.If he stops taking care of himself,that's his problem.You can't be sooo concerned with him,that you put aside what is best for you and your kids.Him taking his meds for the kids sake is a sign of irresposibility,and irrational thinking.If he doesn't want to help himself,why should you bother?You are not his mother,you are his wife,and if that isn't a good enough reason for him to respect you and the kids,and to take his meds,then he has made his decisions,now you must make yours.
he's having some problem with his self-esteem. coz you know it when you look at his body condition....he's suffering and worry that his wife and kids might leave him anytime. tat's why he has lost his passion for his life. he need some sense of security. if it's possible, try to communicate with him more often and show how much you really love him...if you still love him and willing to give the last try. the last resort will be seek for some counseling advise. things can be better if both of you are willing to change and make it better
Start with a separation, get out and take the children!
See if he is willing to fix himself, give him 1 year to take care of himself and if he will not then get the divorce.
That way you can leave it up to him!
you and your kids should not be subject to any sort of abuse, whether it is verbal or physical...you need to speak with him, get counseling for yourself and him and tell him, if he does not change his attitude and abusive ways, you will leave...you cannot tolerate anything abusive towards your children...and, unfortunately, it does look like you need to leave him...good luck
You shouldn't feel guilty in any way. Yes, he is your husband, and I think that it is part of your responsibility to get him to a place where they can take care of him and his condition, but you need to take care of yourself and your kids as well. I'm not sure where you can get your husband joined with, but I would definitely seek professional help for your situation. Best of luck.
You are going to leave your husband who is in terrible health? You are a total, heartless, piece of sh1t. You know he is that way because of his health.
Have you tried getting help for your husband, like a live in nurse? If you are doing all the work, you might be extremely stressed out and making a rash decision.
when he hits u
He needs to be proactive with his health issues and make a decision to get well on his own. This is not an issue for his children (only takes meds for the kids? bs). It sounds like he has chosen to be miserable and makes those around him miserable as well. Let him know that if he continues he will be miserable by himself.
I do not blame your daughter for wanting to leave. Who defends her? I would not let anyone scream at my daughters. Why do you?
Your question deserves a lot more time and space to talk about. It is a very in depth problem, and can't really be answered here. This would be a good place to have a counsellor, or someone who is willing to look at both sides of the story without picking a side. You knew about his health when you were dating, and before you had children. You created the mess by having children, together as a couple, and although it is hard, you should stay the course. If at all possible you need to get a grief therapist, because part of his problem is that he is afraid of being alone and of dying. I am sorry for the plight of where your family now stands. I am not a professional by any means, but I do consider myself to be well grounded in life. If you wish to talk I am at go18wheeler@yahoo.com
Wow, thats tough, maybe he is acting like that because of all his medication that he uses. Maybe its a good idea that you guys talk to a professional. Do you love him at all? Or is it completly over? You don't want to ever stay with a person just because you feel sorry for him. Maybe talk to someone together about how he treats you. If you still feel the same get out and try and live a happy life.
Ask him to go to couseling for his anger issues. When he screams at you that he doesn't have anger issues tell him you are taking the kids and moving out while he thinks about how mentally abusive he is to you and the kids and you will not take the brunt of his anger anymore. If he hits you let it be done. He will be angry, call you crazy, tell you that you can't leave because he/you depend(s) on you/him, after a day or so he will call and apoligize and want you back. Let him go through all of this emotions and realize how much he misses you and needs you and misses the kids. Give him at least a week before you consider (if the situation improves) moving back in. When you leave give him an 800# help line doctors/counslers numbers. It is definately not healthy for you or your kids to be in that kind of environment. If nothing improves file for divorce.
Prayer is a really good place for you to start. I'm not sure what type of relationship you have with God, but He will give you the answers that you need. You'll have to do what's best for your children and for yourself. Naturally, you feel guilty about leaving him with poor health. However, no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship-especially not your children. Starting over can be tough, but worth it in the long run. Look within yourself to determine what YOU really want. Do you think your life will be better with him or without him? May God bless you.
When you are no longer happy you need to do what you need to get that way, and if divorce is the only option. Talk it over and do what you have to do.
u know when its a good time to get a divorce when u find urself asking this question. ur in a very complicated relationshiip, this is not a question someone can answer for u. U obviously feel its time to leave, so leave. He's endangering not only himself, but his family as well and things are always more complicated up when children are involved. Just know that there is help out there. if you feel he may try and hurt you or the kids, contact CODA, if you feel he will hurt himself, contact the authorites and let them know. Your relationship is not healthy for any of you. There is no "right" time to get divorced. In my opinion, if you're finding yourself asking this question, then its time to go. The last thing you want is for your children to get hurt.
